16 Jan My Bleeding Heart and Tortured Mind.
Estimated reading time 5 minutes
I am a bleeding heart type. I cry for refugees, animals and anyone who is the underdog. I am vegan for this very reason. I feel the pain of others and my emotions can run high. I often get told to toughen up but I think being sensitive is pretty much like being tall – you can’t do anything about it. You are born that way.
Last year my heart bleed for me, and I tortured my own mind. I cried pretty much every single day. I was tired, scared and angry.
I tortured my mind over and over again with questions. Why am I a single mum at 42 to a little girl who has Down syndrome? How did this happen? How am I going to do this? I didn’t even want kids…… Fuck this!
Then I tortured myself for having such terrible thoughts. Then I tortured myself by trying to be too much and do too much and put I put unrealistic pressure on myself because I wanted to still be able to live the life I had planned many years ago. And then I crashed and burned which is why I haven’t blogged for 2 months.
I used to be an eastern suburbs party girl. I went out a lot to clubs and went overseas to gorgeous locations on holiday. I loved my freedom and did not want to be tied down by having a family. I also wanted to have a successful business that I was working on. I was prepared ti give up the partying, I just didn’t think I would be doing it alone. I felt betrayed.
I won’t go into the details of why I changed my mind about having children but I will say that I do find parenting hard and I am not naturally maternal.
Having Ariel has been a pleasant surprise. Although I am not naturally maternal I am sensitive and thoughtful, and that makes a good mum I think.
There is absolutely no doubt that I love my little girl with all of my heart, so I need to take responsibly.
Taking responsibility means letting go of the anger and fear. No more torturing my mind with questions that cannot be answered.
Once I took responsibility for where I am in life it was like a burden had been lifted and I could see things for what they were. I am, no doubt, a better person for having Ariel in my life. I have good intentions and have a clear understanding of who I am and what I want. Taking responsibly has given me that understanding. Having Ariel has given me that clarity. I have been blessed with this beautiful Angel. I am rich.
The future of this Blog in 2016
When I started this blog it was going to be about Ariel’s milestones and all things Down Syndrome. Obviously a lot has changed in our world. I do want to write more and we have plans to travel a lot in the future. I have got to say, travelling as a single parent with a little girl who has a disability scares me a bit. But, it is not going to stop me and I’m going to share some tips with you all as we go along. I want to grow my business and add more Ariel products. I would like to put my bleeding heart to good use and raise more money and awareness to help others with Down Syndrome and their families. I will be writing a few more posts like this in the next few weeks, on how I made a “shift” over my holiday. I am hoping it may help other single parents who find themselves in my position, so subscribe if that is you or share if you think someone may benefit. Thank you for reading and Happy New Year. Raylene xo